How to be assertive when you are an anxious person




First off, what is assertiveness? How come it gets a whole blog post to itself?

Being assertive is about being strong in what you believe, not being at everybody’s beck and call, being kind to yourself.

Try these techniques:


  • Start boring: Be assertive about small things. Don’t change your plans because someone else dropped a bollock – it’s perfectly reasonable to say ‘no, I won’t cook for the 6th time this week.’


  • Write it out: Making it physical means you are less likely to miss bits out or chicken out in the first place.


  • Dress for assertiveness: Power dressing with rock stance. You got it.


  • Mantra: Make it simple like ‘my way’ or more involved like ‘I am in control of what I do’.


  • Commitment-phobe: Give yourself a get out clause. This is not necessarily “assertive”, but it helps as a stepping stone, making the final ‘no’ easier. If you are not overly thrilled with an invitation, say ‘it’s highly likely I won’t be able to’. This isn’t a direct ‘no’, which can be an anxiety-trigger, but it sets a precedent that you don’t expect to be there.


  • Positive: Don’t apologise – if you found it difficult to be assertive, say so! Say ‘Thank you for understanding’, not ‘Sorry’.


  • Resistance is futile: Be ready for resistance. If people perceive you to be a passive person, they will not expect an assertive stance. They won’t like this change when it means they won’t get their own way. Steel yourself against this.


  • Be sure: Know what you want to get out of the situation. What small outcomes do you this reasonable?


  • Be double sure: First understand why you are choosing to be assertive. What is it in the situation that you cannot accept? Write a pro/con list to get it clear in your head.


  • Be calm: Use statements that cannot be argued against and do not target the other person. Use phrases like ‘I feel that’ and ‘I am choosing not to do this because’…


You got it!


How to choose your Pin-Up name

pinupbabeAs an admirer of several pin-up models, I’m interested in their “stage” names and where they come from. A name is a powerful thing and something we can all have control over, should we wish to. Yes, we are born to a name, and sometimes that suits us just fine, but not always. Maybe, then, you are feeling disillusioned with your name and the shit-tonne of baggage that comes with it. Maybe you have simply become ‘mum’ or ‘babe’. I’ve always wanted to be called ‘Kitty’ but have never made it a thing. Maybe I should…

If you want a professional’s opinion, check out Miss Victory Violet’s post on Choosing Your Pinup Name. But for giggles, have a gander below:


To choose your title, see your eye colour:
Blue: Miss
Green: Vixen
Brown: Siren
Grey: Atomic
Hazel: Lady
Then take the first letter of your first name:
A: Alice
B: Honey
C: Ginger
D: Rosalie
E: Candy
F: Lucille
G: Lily
H: Marilyn
I: Liberty
J: Cherie
K: Kitty
L: Elsie
M: Jessie
N: Trixie
O: Mona
P: Pearl
Q: Queenie
R: Bunny
S: Scarlett
T: Lola
U: Rose
V: Peaches
W: Bella
X: Casandra
Y: Ysabel
Z: Delilah
For your last name, see your birth month:
January: Love
February: Victory
March: May
April: Lou
May: Belle
June: Tart
July: Divine
August: Darling
September: Angel
October: Blossom
November: Noire
December: Dollface


Other ways to get inspired for your pin-up name could include:

  • Your grandma’s name or a combination of their middle names
  • A diminutive version of your name, like Kitty or Lou.
  • A colour that inspires you, maybe  mixed with a flower, for example: ‘Bluebelle’
  • Flowers, flowers and more flowers
  • Think alliteration – Lily Lou or Siren Scarlett…
  • Think of your particular style of beauty – if you are a luscious lady of colour, speak up proudly, if you are a blooming English rose, make it known! If you are tall, you rock! If you are short, bang on! Gorgeous girls, everywhere! Your name should only say, ‘I am me!’


Have fun!

Adoringly yours,

Miss Kitty May!


How to sweeten the deal: A Valentine’s special

If you are of the opinion that Valentine’s is only good for chocolate and shades of pink then good. Me, too.

Here are some sugar-tastic ways to celebrate! Give Mama some sugar…

  • BeyHive: Obviously you start with her Majesty and listen to Suga Mama and doing that pole routine whether you have a pole or not.


  • Scrub that: Make a lipscrub with brown sugar and olive oil… Or buy a fancy one from Lush.


  • Go on a date: Try something sweet and sticky and delicious! On a recent sojourn to Edinburgh I tried Date syrup with porridge. It was a glorious hangover cure.


  • All in a name: Look at all the names of your lipsticks, or maybe make up a few… this and paint names are brilliant. My favourite is ‘In Love With Ginger’ by Rimmel.


  • Candy: Candyman on repeat. Yes, please. Beautiful outfits, women and men. And that brass section.


  • Fiery mistress: Crystallise or chocolate coat some root ginger… Yowza!


  • Hello, ladies…: Make Galentine’s cupcakes for your gals!


  • Holy Cupcake!: Channel your inner cupcake and dress in a sickening array of pastels. Makes me feel sweet as hell.


Or, see my post on Masturdating – the science, the art and ride solo.


Translation: Get your biscuit wet in my milk!

Vintage Vloggers

I like to catch snippets of ideas whilst I’m doing other things, like styling my hair, or doing my make-up. If I’m not watching a TED talk, I’ll be fan-girling over a vintage vlogger or two.

Here are my favourites and the reasons why:

  • Cherry Dollface: An all-round nice broad. Funny and genuine, she does a lot of life-hacks, day in the life, OOTD and make-up tutorials. Also has excellent hair.


  • PinupDollAshleyMarie: Voluptuous, immaculate and stylish. Excellent at wardrobe envy. I love her haul/ styling videos and cute bloopers.


  • A Vintage Vanity: Adorable geekery to be had! Jennifer is a crafty lady, handy with a sewing machine as well as a curling tong. Retro ramblings and tea-time are not to be missed.


  • Vintagious: Lots of great hair tutorials and a ‘What Would Marilyn Do?’ beauty section with helpful quick tips.



Get inspired!

How to ward off a panic attack (at work)

Sometimes, a panic attack will overwhelm you before you can do much about it, but sometimes, when you recognise the signs, it’s easier to get a handle on it.

Here are some simple tricks that you can do discreetly if you are at work or school:

  • Plug the hole: Try ear-plugs to distance yourself from any overwhelming distractions.


  • Block it out: Try thinking about or focusing on block colours. It could be looking out at a field, or zooming in on your nail varnish, or socks. Anything that is easy to look at for a prolonged period. Meditate on that colour. Design a garment using block colours.


  • Hot flush: Change your environment to regulate or alter your temperature. Sometimes panic causes you to become overly warm and fresh air might help you to stay on an even keel. Otherwise, keeping nice and toasty can help to relax the body so keep a wheat bag or hot water bottle handy.


  • Tell me about it: Share how you are feeling with a trusted friend or colleague. That way, you relieve the pressure of having to explain if the attack does come on. Consider having a red card or a symbol which signifies that you are on the edge of an attack. Words are hard. Take away the necessity of using them.


  • Stop!: Take a few moments to stop/refresh/restart/collect. Don’t force yourself to just keep going if you know you are not going to do something as you would like. Remove yourself from the equation for a moment. Go to the toilet and take the time to re-tie your shoelaces, stretch, pray, doodle a daisy… Deliberately take that time as a break from working and be present in your rest period.


If issues at work are seriously affecting your health, speak to your line manager, or, if you feel unable, approach your union to discuss these matters. Mental health matters – don’t ignore it!